After dinner and my routine night activities, I head out for a walk.
It’s like 10:45 or 11:00 PM, so the lanes are quiet and empty, aside from the occasional screech from a bat and a croak from a frog. The lighting along the path is dim and pleasant on the eyes, shimmering softly on everything around it. The air feels cold, but light and clean. The moon looks magnificent as always, it’s a pity I can’t capture it with my shitty phone cam. The stars are barely visible, which has gotta be the biggest disappointment of living in a city.
Ah, peace, I think.
I pop in my earphones, but I’m not really paying any attention to the music, it’s just a way to cut the silence. (Although, tbh, I don’t like the fact that I feel the need to do that. But I’m way too used to being surrounded by noise all the time.)
Anyway, I’m not focusing on the songs, or anything else, for that matter. Or at least, I’m trying not to. There’s always some thought that comes up and dominates my head space, especially when I most want it to be vacant.
A thought that’s been consistently bothering me since the past few days is about monotony.
Monotony.
I hate monotony.
I can’t seem to escape it.
It scares me.
Will I be stuck doing this one thing forever?
Will my life always look like this?
Will I never be able to go to as many different places as I want to and meet new and newer people?
Will I be bound by this routine forever?
Where’s the fucking adventure?!
I’m nowhere close to making my life look the way I want it to! Is it already too late? Will I never be able to get out of this loop of monotony??
This is not living, this is so dead…
I hate monotony.
It makes me feel lonely. It makes me feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It makes me feel anxious.
It makes me feel like everything new will come to an end and everyone new will end up going away because new things don’t conform to the reality of monotony.
Imagine craving for a nice change and not being able to fully enjoy it when it comes just because, presently, you’re scared things will one day go back to the boring old way as they used to be.
Do I have a fear of separation?? Even though, as they say, “Change is the only constant”? Or.. or, do I just hate the thought of all the endings and goodbyes that are inevitable with change? But nothing is final or forever, right? I know that and I thought I’d accepted it. So then, why the fear..? Ughhhhhhh FUCKKKK!
Dammit. Downward spiral alert.
*sigh*
You know, everytime someone asks, “How was your day?” Or “What did you do today?”, all I say is, “I went to college, I worked, I studied, I took my doga out for a walk, I did my exercise, I studied some again, I went out for a walk. The. Fucking. End.”
And then it hits me:
It’s the same shit on repeat! And what did I do during all the buffer time? Oh, absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Nothing??
Yeah, I scoff, nothing but think about this “monotony” bullshit.
I wonder:
This is how it started. This is how it’s going on. And, is this also how it’ll end..?
I look at my watch. It’s been almost an hour.
I didn’t even realise. I should go home now.
As I get into my bed, I think:
And tomorrow, we do this all over again.
P.S. This issue is part of a random, unofficial “A Day in My Life”-type series that I decided to write because I was out of ideas.
If you thought this was interesting, you can check out the first four parts as well:
Part 2: A little later the same morning.
Part 3: Afternoon (basically the whole day).
P.P.S. Like what you read?
Now that I have heard and seen you boss. This hits different. I can hear you say all of this. Even cussing in that monotonous voice. There were a lot of subtle expressions that I noticed. A lot I wanted to ask and talk about but my dumbass just hesitated lol. Well, I have something prepared. I wonder if We will ever come across again, but I will have more questions.
As selfish as it this comment might sound, but monotony suits you as a personality. Yeah for life experiences, monotony surely is cruel. Maybe something like being in a state of limbo. Or maybe in an endless white room. Something must be off, and it is not your experiences or the world around you. You will figure it out.
Very very interesting. Reminds me of me writing those "Glimpse of my life" thingies lol. But damn, never thought you would go off on your newsletters like this. I like this! will binge it all.